Everything's oKae.

My Good Luck

2011-12-23T09:23:00.000-07:00

I've always had very good luck. Which is odd, since everyone else seems to have bad luck more often than not. Perhaps I took all their luck away from them. Perhaps I actually deserve this in the form of karma. Or perhaps all this good luck will come back and kick me in the butt with some really bad luck, but I'm still waiting for that to happen. This is a story of one of those incidents of

Nightmares

2011-12-09T17:08:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had nightmares? Nightmares that repeat over and over again? Nightmares not of monsters but of real life at its worst? I didn't used to have nightmares until just over a year ago. They started when I was nineteen and a half, just as my twentieth birthday seemed near. But these thoughts - these fears- these started even sooner, before I even turned nineteen. I never thought they'd

I Might Be In Love

2011-11-12T21:46:00.000-07:00

I might be in love. Is this love? I wonder not because of how strongly it overwhelms my senses, but because of how subtle it is. So easy to forget for weeks or months until it slips back into my mind - you slip back into my mind, and I wonder - I might be in love. Is this what love's like for me? Always in the background, like elevator music, but I can always fall back on you when love crosses

On Bugs

2011-11-12T00:41:00.000-07:00

I am ambivalent about bugs. I don't take them outside to save a precious life. When someone asks me to get rid of a spider, I squash it quickly and move on with my life. No fear: I've become the default but killer with many of my friends. But I don't kill them with fury, either. The spiders I find in my room or the bathroom just keep living. I don't bother them, I don't fear them, and they, too,

My Philosophy Class

2011-09-28T13:39:00.000-06:00

brought to you in two snapshots. Part I: The Letter φ, Brought to You in IPA Student 1 - *asks a question in reference to the letter "φ"; pronounces it φi. Professor - *after answering the question* And, you're right, it should be pronounced φi, but most philosophers say φei, so we'll say φei.Student 2 - Or you could say φɔ. Professor - Well, you don't want to say φɔ, 'cause that's the noodles.

Did You Secure the Skis?

2011-09-07T13:14:00.001-06:00

My personality and working style requires a lot of specific feedback. The worst thing is when I say something, and I get no response or a response that's brief or dismissive. Even if it's not meant in such a way, it makes me fear that what I said was out-of-place or inappropriate. For example, one of the shift managers at Jamba Juice, where I got a job, is incredibly subtle. She's very nice,

I Must Be Getting Old

2011-09-04T22:27:00.000-06:00

Picture this. I'm at the airport, picking up my grandma, and things aren't going as smoothly as I wish, so I call my mom to complain. Do you see it? There I am, sitting in my car, talking on the phone, flailing my hands around in dramatic gestures of frustration. And a child walks by. She must have been about nine or ten, and she was walking behind the mom, pushing her cart, passing in front of

Cookies are Srs Business

2011-08-18T20:34:00.002-06:00

I can see someone not liking cookies. I often say "no" to cookies myself - they might be too dry, too crunchy, too sweet, or just not my thing. But warm cookies, with the chocolate melting and the dough still soft? How can one ever lose respect for the warm cookie? There are days when it just doesn't feel right, but I'd never reject such a cookie without some hesitation. No one can dislike a

The Elk Encounter

2011-08-14T18:19:00.000-06:00

I've seen elk before. My family frequents national parks, so somewhere along the way, standing across a river or a pond or a field, I've seen elk. Sure, they're big and impressive, but nothing - nothing - is like seeing an elk up close. We had two days of cleaning at camp, and breakfast was at 9:30, so it was definitely necessary to celebrate the extra hour and a half of morning. The night

My Favorite Buffy the Vampire Slayer Episodes

2011-04-07T10:02:00.001-06:00

Because if I'm going to watch seven long seasons of a TV show, I'm at least going to make a list out of it. 1. Hush (4.10): The most terrifying monsters of the whole show. Dance Macabre. Plus Joss Whedon wrote this speech-less episode because everyone kept complimenting his dialogue. 2. The Zeppo (3.13): I was laughing all the way through. This episode meant so much for Xander, plus it was

Revisiting: Bi

2011-02-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

A while ago, I wrote on the ways bisexuality erases non-binary gender identities. Since then, after first getting a glance into what could be called the "bisexual community", I've rethought my previous views, and I'm planning to re-write that essay. For now, here is a summary in bullet points of my thoughts. I used to say that: Identifying as "bisexual" is a privilege that many binary gendered

Travel

2011-02-03T14:54:00.003-07:00

I've become "the traveling type". The type that does not stand still. The type that, on a whim, takes to the road. So many windows I've looked out of. Windows of trains, of cars, of buses, of vans, of planes, of hotels, of hostels, of coffee shops, coffee shops, coffee shops. My favorites are the view from the front window of my car as I approach Boulder: the star on Flagstaff lights up at night

My Identity Is Not About Gender Liberation

2010-12-26T11:45:00.003-07:00

It’s not about smashing binaries. It’s not about eliminating oppression. It’s not about politics. It’s not about feminism. It’s not about anarchy. It’s not about activism. It’s not about you. It’s about me. My gender is non-binary, because that’s what it is. My gender is not all that unique or special. My gender is not all that queer or all that different. My gender is not rebellious. My

2010-12-18T18:34:00.000-07:00

Last night, at the hookah bar, i ran into an old acquaintance. George from Georgia. In middle school, one of my friends was the only oboe in the band. (I haven't spoken her since middle school, but I still remember her name: Noel.) Then, George came from Georgia. and George played oboe, so my friend was bumped to second oboe. Every time i see George from Georgia. i think of this story. We're

Home, Revisited

2010-11-29T10:20:00.001-07:00

The title has two meanings. "who journeyed to Denver, who died in Denver, who came back to Denver & waited in vain, who watched over Denver & brooded & loned in Denver and finally went away to find out the Time, & now Denver is lonesome for her heroes" - Allen Ginsberg, HowlI came home for Thanksgiving break. Home. Funny how I can now say that word, and know what it means. It's a bizarre feeling,

Are you afriad?

2010-11-19T11:33:00.002-07:00

A month from now, I will be twenty years old, unemployed, unenrolled, and residing in Chicagoland, where I haven't lived since I was ten years old. I am so afraid. I don't know what I am doing with my life, or why. I am terrified I'll never get a degree, that I'll lose my way and never have a home, but I have nothing to lose. I have no choice. It's going to be a long, cold winter in

Help with what?

2010-11-04T10:34:00.001-06:00

I am writing suicide notes. I don't want to die. I will not kill myself. It's just a cry for help. But help with what? My life is not in danger. Nor is my physical health. I don't need help with school, I get things done, my grades are good. I need help making friends. I don't have any friends. I follow the rules. I messaged people on facebook casually, I say hi to people in the

This time of the year, I become a smoker again.

2010-11-02T16:55:00.001-06:00

It starts each day at 5, right after I get out of my last class. My days are always far from over, always more tests to study for, or papers to write, or co-sponsorships to fill out. Still, that first breath of relief quickly turns into loneliness. I always walk a lap around the quad, desperate for someone to share a moment with, because I am alone. I want to walk this lap with a cigarette.

Autism Quotient

2010-10-29T08:52:00.001-06:00

Floating around the internet recently has been the Autism Quotient test, a series of questions quantifying experiences and placing individuals on the autism spectrum. Although never intended to be criteria for diagnosis, the quotient has become a tool for self-diagnosing Aspergers and high-functioning autism. It was originally popularized by Wired magazine alongside an article titled "The Geek

There is always a way...

2010-10-19T22:24:00.001-06:00

I found salvation in a well-lit hookah bar in Adam's Morgan, Practiced the art of sacrificing my loneliness into smoke rings, Escaped a night of staking facebook profiles of acquaintances that will never be part of my life, In search of a stranger who might change my life, Like the man playing guitar by the entrance to the Metro: The great minds of my generation, I hear their voices in the poetry

What if I dropped out of school?

2010-10-15T16:52:00.000-06:00

What if I took off a year, or two, or three, or five? What if I spent some time growing up? What if I learned how to cook and how to look for jobs? What if I learned how to make friends in the real world, how to reach out to communities and people, how to interact as an adult, how to not be alone? What if I dedicated myself to real-world activism? What if I learned how to make change happen

Left-leaning quasi-social libertarian.

2010-10-09T19:09:00.000-06:00

aka My Political Identity, Part II. Here is my original post on the topic. I've changed since then, so here's another post on politics. It's impossible for me to talk about my political identity without discussing my political background. Doing so would probably lend me to more criticism and misunderstanding then I think I deserve, especially from the far-left folk I care most about. My

Lessons of a Canvasser

2010-10-07T20:19:00.001-06:00

I spent the last few weeks working as a canvasser on the streets of DC, primarily around Dupont Circle. After a few weeks of work, I quit. Although I was really good at it and got paid really well, canvassing proved to be more emotionally exhausting than I was able to handle, and as the cold, rainy days of fall came about, I simply could no longer subject myself to the stress and the rejection.

Update

2010-09-03T16:29:00.001-06:00

I barely posted at all this summer, and I haven't posted anything since moving to DC and starting school at a new institution, so it's time for an update. I always struggle in a new place. Within a day of moving here, I felt like I was always alone, while others were already spending time with friends, going out, and having fun. It was the same feeling I had a year ago when starting CU: I spent

Annual Farewells

2010-08-10T08:30:00.000-06:00

At the end of every summer, sitting around the campfire in the middle of the night, with tears either in our eyes or near our hearts, comes the time for annual farewells. I loved what I said this year, so here it is, edited and expanded, so I can share it with others and always remember it for myself. Every day I wonder how I got here. I'll be waking up in a tent, or walking from the Dining

First Memories

2010-07-13T14:43:00.000-06:00

My frist memory takes place on the day I turned three years old. My family got me candy-covered gum, which I was very excitedly enjoying. Then, for a reason unclear outside a three-year-olds mind, I didn't want it anymore: I wanted it back in the package, exactly thesame as it was before I took it. I cried as my father molded it back into the shape it once used to be, but I'd eaten the candy,

Adult Friendships

2010-07-06T09:38:00.000-06:00

In January, I travelled for a short weekend to Chicagoland for my mother's baby shower. There, I met up with a friend I hadn't seen in years. I attended Palo Alto High with her, and we were rather close that year. I'd seen her once since, when I returned to visit California in Spring 08. Now, she was going to college at Northwestern, and so she showed me the way around beautiful Evanston and

In Transition

2010-05-24T21:26:00.001-06:00

I've suddenly and very unexpectedly found myself in transition. My whole life is in flux, and I'm not entirely sure just where I am headed. I'm leaving it up to faith, praying nightly, and I'm prepared to never give up, despite the challenges that I see burning just over the horizon, their heat already burning my skin. After recently coming out as genderqueer, I've begun a genderqueer

Sometimes I forget life itself isn't just a phase.

2010-05-12T09:10:00.005-06:00

I am scared. Absolutely terrified, really. Sometimes, I forget to breathe, because I am petrified of going on, frightened of continuing. This is real. That's the hardest thing to believe, the hardest concept to swallow. This isn't some tale in a fantasy novel, this isn't a daydream I will soon wake up from. This is my life, my one and only reality. And the things I am doing now will stay with me

No Self

2010-05-05T10:29:00.002-06:00

Buddhism has been on my mind a lot lately. I'd been curious about it for a long time, and finally studied it in my East Asia Religions class. Two Buddhist concepts that have been on my mind a lot are transience and no-self. Transience is the concept of impermanence, that nothing ever stays the way it is now. No-self is the concept that there is no single thing that makes you yourself. Imagine,

D:

2010-05-05T08:07:00.000-06:00

I would like to tell the world that I am less than happy by googling "heartbreak" and blogging the first image I find pretty.

First Kiss

2010-05-05T01:04:00.001-06:00

I still remember the place where I had my very first kiss. I remember it exactly. I could go there today and sit right there, I could point out where he sat and where I sat. I could tell you just what the March weather was like, I can remember the very texture of the California air. I could describe just how I felt, how nervous I was and how happy. I could trace my steps to the bus afterward,

Multisexual Identities

2010-05-04T09:13:00.005-06:00

An updated version of this entry is found here. However, this version addresses some things that I don't discuss in the other post. This is another post summarizing my conclusions from following discussions on FetLife.com. For this post, I am drawing from a discussion titled "Bisexual, Queer, identities. Is it fair to posit a group as bisexual if you want to include all people who are not "

Intersexuality as Identity.

2010-05-02T13:19:00.003-06:00

This past year, I have had many fantastic conversations about all sorts of identities on the website FetLife.com, a BDSM social networking website. At the time that I participated and followed many of these discussions, I was not armed with the vocabulary to discuss sex, gender, gender expression, sexuality, oppression, and marginalization the way I am now. Thus, having sat on many of these

Regrets.

2010-05-02T10:02:00.000-06:00

For a long time, I honestly believed I had no regrets. However, recently, I began to realize that this really is not true, it just took me a little growing up before I realized that I should have done some things differently. Here are my regrets. 1. Not participating in theater in high school. If I could re-live high school, I would do tech, because the theater community is not only

Olive the Other Reindeer...

2010-04-29T16:19:00.002-06:00

... had a very shiny nose... Off topic: Olive the Other Reindeer was my favorite Christmas movie as a child. All because of the pun. It's the first play-on-words that I ever remember understanding, and I could never stop laughing. Unfortunately, none of this has anything to do with the rest of this blog. I just happen to mention olives in this story, which, of course, made me think of Olive. I

Appropriation of Genderqueer Identities in My Community

2010-04-26T20:19:00.005-06:00

Before you read this post, you're required to read this article from Questioning Transphobia. This post is, in some ways, my own response to that article, which perfectly describes the phenomenon of appropriation of genderqueer identities; I'm going to look specifically at its presence and influence in my community(ies). Like that article says, "none of this, however, should be an excuse for

Name my God.

2010-04-22T11:01:00.003-06:00

I've begun incorporating elements of Shin Buddhism into my religious practice. Unfortunately, I really know very little about Shin Buddhism or Buddhism in general, and everything I do know I learned in my Religions of East Asia class. However, from what I know, I think Shin will suit me exceptionally well. Shin is a type of Pure Land Buddhism. One of the major concepts of Pure Land is faith, and

I ran in the rain.

2010-04-21T21:23:00.005-06:00

I took off my shoes and my sweater, I wanted to take off my shirt because it's legal here in Boulder, but I chickened out and didn't. I ran with a smile, feeling free and liberated, because Colorado is thirsty, and I'm thirsty here in Colorado. Although I love our sunny days, I love our beautiful mountains, I've never felt so at home, but I've never felt so thirsty. And I remember skinny dipping

:D

2010-04-21T09:50:00.002-06:00

I would like to tell the world that I am happy by googling "heart love" and blogging the first image I find pretty.

Where I've Been Map

2010-04-17T15:56:00.004-06:00

Red is lived in. Blue is been to. Green is want to go. I'm still working on my cities map - you can't really expect me to name all the cities I visited! Also, my AAA US road map is coming in the mail, I want to mark every road I've traveled, every town I've visited.

What is sex?

2010-04-10T12:35:00.002-06:00

I've been asking this question, and variations of it, a lot lately. Ever since getting involved in everything queer, my entire concept of sex and sexuality has completely been turned upside down, and I'm not even entirely sure how to put it back in order. What is sex? What is virginity? What is intimacy? And how is all of this impacted by patriarchy, heteronormativity, cisnormativity, ableism,

2010-04-01T11:14:00.001-06:00

Clothes

2010-03-27T10:08:00.009-06:00

I had a dream the other day. I looked in the mirror, and I saw the person that I am not. So I ran: I ran to a different place, a different city, all while taking off my clothes. Then, I looked in a different mirror, and I saw my naked body, the body that I am not. Once again, I ran to a different place, a different city. I put on clothes along the way, clothes that I thought would make me

Precious, and why it struck me as incredibly racist and classist.

2010-03-24T15:33:00.003-06:00

Last night, with high expectations, I finally watched Precious; and, oh, was I disappointed. In fact, the film struck me as extremely racist and classist, and it made me very, very angry. Spoilers follow, though I wouldn't be afraid. You pretty much know what to expect before getting into the film, one of those tales of a difficult life but the possibility of happiness and success. Precious

Now no one cares.

2010-03-24T00:21:00.011-06:00

"Stand up for what you believe in, even if you're standing alone." While stuck in midday traffic on I-25 North (Who knew lunch hour was so crowded? Maybe 1:30 is the new 5:30), my sister mentioned 7th grade. "That's my best year yet," she told me. Seventh grade. I tried to think that far back, but I can barely remember anything. All that crossed my mind was sitting in science class with a boy,

Story of my life.

2010-03-21T20:22:00.000-06:00

"The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person." -- Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

The Appropriation of Ethnic Identities aka Why I Hate St. Patrick's Day

2010-03-17T15:33:00.005-06:00

I could never stand St. Patrick's Day. It always pissed me off, because it emphasizes an element of American culture that, somehow, has always angered me. Although everyone is American, everyone also claims that they are "Irish" or "French" or "Greek and Polish and Italian and British and Spanish and German and ...." I understand that, as a country that prides itself on being multi-ethnic and is

Life Takes Decisions

2010-03-15T12:27:00.005-06:00

My mother teases me for not making up my mind. She tells me how she graduated highschool at 16, and went on straight to med school. She tells me how, by the time she was my age, she was already deciding on her speciality as a doctor. I can't even imagine that. At sixteen, I literally had no limitations on my interests. Physics or literature? Performance music or primary education? It all

"The Sorrow is Sacred"

2010-03-07T18:15:00.006-07:00

There's one thing about myself I've never understood, a personality trait that never quiet made sense to me. Why is that I get so much pleasure out of being miserable? Whenever something sad happens in my life, I snatch the sadness and hold it close, doing my best not to let go, not to let it squirm free of my fierce grip. I don't move on, I don't look forward to the future, but I dwell, as

Loneliness

2010-03-05T23:51:00.002-07:00

(There are a lot of parantheticals in this post.) Often, I feel lonely. I crave a friend for the night, and I crave a lover for the week. Overall, throughout my life, I haven't been especially successful in the field of love. My longest relationship was also my first, spanning six months March 2006 - September 2006, and I ended it because I moved. I was fifteen years old. My next one was

Self-Identity

2010-02-27T12:56:00.007-07:00

One thing that I love about the queer community is the appreciation of self-identity. This extends beyond sexuality and gender identities, but into all aspects of life. I've noticed myself and others speaking about almost anything in terms of an identity: anything from social class, to political orientation, to emotional conditions, to simple descriptor words like "a flirt" or "stoner" have

Spring has come!

2010-02-27T08:58:00.006-07:00

I officially declare yesterday the first day of spring. Not so much because it was really really warm, such days happen often during winter in Colorado, but because it felt like springtime. Thursday night it snowed, and yesterday it was more than 50 degrees, and I love Colorado. In the spring, the mood swings get slightly worse than usual. They happen just as often, but the snowstorms are bigger

Mind/Body

2010-02-25T21:36:00.005-07:00

I've written a few blogs recently that mentioned my relationship with my body, so I decided that this is something worth blogging about, considering it's something I live with constantly. Perhaps there was a time when we were one, a time when we were young and happy and fresh. Somehow, I doubt even that. I feel like my relationship with my body has been wrong and lacking something since I've

Eleven

2010-02-25T10:47:00.002-07:00

Four days before the end of the month, I'm writing this blog post, the eleventh one in the month of February '10. Thus, February, the shortest month of the year, is, as of now, the month I've blogged the most, outnumbering even September '09, when I was a experiencing a blogging honeymoon phase with 10 posts. There are a lot of things I'd meant to blog for quiet a while, and, this last week, I've

a softer world

2010-02-24T15:52:00.002-07:00

Today I'm posting comics, because all the cool kids are doing it. But really, recently I read over all of a softer world, which is absolutely amazing. I bookmarked 38 that I liked, but finally, after a lot of thinking, I chose the seven that I like the most, and decided to share them on my this here blog. (Choosing only seven was almost impossible.) The sentence above each is the scroll-over

I am frustrated.

2010-02-24T12:18:00.008-07:00

I am frustrated because today is one of those days, in every single way. I am frustrated with the word "bisexual". I am frustrated because I think it goes against everything our community believes in. I am not frustrated with the fact that some people are bisexual, that some people may prefer binary gender identities or gender presentations to non-binary gender identities and gender

My Political Identity

2010-02-23T16:53:00.000-07:00

Questioning. Sounds like me, right? Actually, if it was more like me, it would be fluid, but I don't think that counts as a political identity. I used to identify as libertarian. Socially liberal and economically conservative. As you can imagine, this would follow naturally from my upbringing. My family has experienced first-hand the terrors of the Communist Soviet Union and spoke of them often,

Why I love the queer community.

2010-02-22T21:51:00.000-07:00

Saturday night, Alex and I went to the Red Party, a party hosted by Boulder Pride (evidence pic; don't I look queer?). We were perhaps the only ones under the age of 30 at the entire party (although we ran into Lynnette there, and that was especially exciting). It was a really great party, themed after the Seven Decadent Sins, dominated by older lesbians. And it was amazing. Old gay people are

How did I get here?

2010-02-21T12:11:00.003-07:00

My family ridicules me for having so many queer friends. They criticize the fact that most of my friends are queer. They insist I need to branch out, that I'm limiting myself. Once, my mother even told me that the reasons so many of my friends are queer is because I struggle with making friends, and that gay people do too, so I get along with them. I told my mom she knows nothing about gay people

2010-02-18T15:41:00.001-07:00

I've changed so much since August.

My Sexuality

2010-02-14T16:27:00.008-07:00

I just had a really fun conversation with myself about my sexuality. queer for queer, panromantic, gray-a sexual, fluid Queer for queer? What does that mean? I am primarily attracted to other queer people. Alright, then what's queer? Generally speaking, it means not hetero-romantic. There are exceptions. It's also a self-identity. Is hetero-flexible queer? It depends what you mean by

My Vagina

2010-02-13T10:29:00.004-07:00

I went to see an amazing performance of the Vagina Monologues last night. That really got me thinking about my relationship with my own vagina. I developed a very close relationship with myself when I was still very young. At about 11 or 12, I began touching and exploring my sex organs. Curiously, I began researching the female anatomy. I'd spend hours on the internet reading about the clitoris,

Valentine's Day

2010-02-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

Secretly, I love Valentine's Day. Pretty strange, huh, to enjoy a holiday devoted entirely to the commercialization of love. Still, I love it: not because of what Valentine's Day is about, not even because of the chocolate, really, but all because the time of year. Right around February 14th my winter blues begin to turn into spring fever. Valentine's Day 2006 was the last and only time I had an

Salmon, and Humans

2010-02-01T14:52:00.000-07:00

Reactions to The Great Salmon Race. I was on the plane recently, and they were playing The Great Salmon Race on the TV. Have you seen those poor salmon? As if swimming upstream isn't bad enough, every step of the way, there's something trying to kill them. Birds of prey swoop down from above, grabbing the poor fish in their beaks, killing them with their talons. Bears carelessly splash in the

Asexy

2010-01-29T23:41:00.003-07:00

I'm beginning to, gradually, identify as asexual. Ace. Asexy. Panromantic Gray-A Sexual, to be exact. I've been spending a lot of time on AVEN - the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network; they have message boards, an FAQ, a Wiki, and Asexual Perspectives, all of which I've found to be very helpful and supportive as I explore this new part of my identity. Gray-A refers to anyone who falls

What's in a name?, Part II

2010-01-21T15:22:00.001-07:00

Part I was my story. These are just some scattered thoughts. In lit a few days ago, we were doing presentations, introducing ourselves and presenting something that's contemporary to us. There was a girl who did a beautiful, passionate presentation, blowing us all off our seats. At the end, the professor asked, "So, what's your name?", for she'd forgotten to mention it. "Oh, Sophia," she

2006

2010-01-13T17:04:00.002-07:00

What has been the most influential year in your life? Although 2009 is definitely up there (probably second), 2006 gets the prize. Interestingly, there are a lot of parallels between 2006 and 2009, mostly the fact that I moved over the summer. This is a post I wrote for my MySpace blog to celebrate 2007. And here's the first picture I took in 2007, barely after midnight on January 1. Whether

What's in a name?

2010-01-11T18:43:00.003-07:00

I've never liked my name. I've never felt comfortable with it, never responded to it like I should. If I was born a guy, I would be named "Sergei", the name of my grandpa, my uncle, my father, and now my cousin. I don't like that name, but, to tell you the truth, there are no Russian men's names that I like. Instead, my mom debated naming me either "Ksenia" or "Alexandra". At the end, she

Drugs

2010-01-05T23:57:00.004-07:00

Third post of the day, but I promise it's the last, and I promise this is the last time I'll ever do this. After re-reading my old poetry, though, I'm eager to talk about my past. From July 08 to May 09, drugs played a major role in my life. I had the right personality for drug culture: I was intelligent enough to do it right, curious enough to try new things, rebellious enough to enjoy

Heartbreak

2010-01-05T23:46:00.003-07:00

I don't usually post twice in one day, but I re-read my old poetry, and I really would like to share some of it, as well as some of my past. The older I've grown, the less and less I cried, to the extent that sometimes, I think it's unhealthy. Although many failed relationships have caused me tears, I haven't experienced true heartbreak since my first heartbreak following the end of my first

Relapse

2010-01-05T23:36:00.006-07:00

I have a history of adjustment depression, and I feared college would cause me to relapse. To tell you the truth, it didn't. Last time I suffered from a long-term episode of depression, not only had I just moved, but I was also going through a major heartbreak, and I still lived with my family. Living away from home has definitely made adjusting to college easier than any adjustments in the past,

Do you like cats?

2010-01-04T08:46:00.001-07:00

is officially my favorite question ever. I was talking to my sister recently, and she was giving me advise on how to talk to people. Standard. "Just ask anything, anything at all," she suggested, "Like, 'Do you like cats?'" I laughed, so she told me a story of how once she was talking to a friend of hers when he randomly asked her "Do you like cats?", which led into a great conversation about

Love

2009-12-28T18:51:00.003-07:00

True love. I don't really believe in it, nor do I want to. I'm not really made for love or commitment, I can't imagine ever being in a long-term relationship, a "best friend", a buddy for life. My emotions are just too fluid. Things change all the time. Still, I like to think I've been in love. I've had relationships, infatuations, fantasies that I'll never forget. Three times in my life I met

First Semester

2009-12-17T12:18:00.003-07:00

Today, I finished my last final, and survived my first semester of college. I had those nights that I feared, those evenings where I shut the door and cried, feeling like I'd never make friends, that I'd always be alone. Sometimes, I would sit alone in my room, my door open, inviting others in, hoping others would come in, but instead, only their voices entered my room, their distant

Prayer

2009-12-16T13:23:00.007-07:00

"Shhh. Listen closely. Do you hear that sound? Try again. It might sound like the wind or a bird or maybe it sounds like nothing at all, but it's the loudest sound you'll ever hear. It's our God screaming for help. Asking you to notice him, to listen to him. But you are too busy. You're too busy doing your make-up or saving the world. Busy insulting others or proving that you're the best. Forget

Childhood

2009-12-11T11:30:00.003-07:00

When I was in 9th grade, in English, I read Catcher in the Rye (one of my favorite books of all time). Our assignment was to psychologically diagnose Holden Caulfield. It was a very interesting assignment, and I learned a lot about psychology and coming of age. I would look up conditions on the internet, write down the ones I thought fit, and looked them up in my mom's plentiful medical texts.

Cigar Smoke

2009-12-09T11:48:00.001-07:00

"It rolls, it turns, it flows. Inside my mouth, little bits slipping into my lungs. My body relaxes. They call it a buzz, but that's such a sad word. A buzz is more like a trip than a high. You forget who you are, you release all your pain, and it flows out of your mouth, hidden deep inside the soft smoke. It's like a bed, or maybe a bit of Heaven. When you inhale Heaven, it goes straight

Omegle

2009-12-05T17:48:00.002-07:00

Omegle.com is a website where you can talk to strangers. I really enjoyed this conversation. You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi! Stranger: hi You: hi. Stranger: whats up You: Not too much, enjoying abstinence, you? Stranger: same Stranger: :) You: PARTY :P Stranger: woo hoo You: I love to dance. Stranger: i love to not have sex You: I enjoy that, as well. You: Let's not have sex

Mary Jane

2009-11-30T18:43:00.001-07:00

Remember when we were inseparable? I'd kiss you the moment I rolled out of bed, and all day you were by my side. Mary, those were the days. The world was brighter with you by my side. The hours were slower. You helped me through my hardest days, and celebrated my greatest victories. With you, I became a better person, a happier person. And I was in love! It was true, I know it was. I've

15 Saddest Songs

2009-11-22T20:24:00.003-07:00