This time of the year, I become a smoker again.

It starts each day at 5, right after I get out of my last class.  My days are always far from over, always more tests to study for, or papers to write, or co-sponsorships to fill out.  Still, that first breath of relief quickly turns into loneliness.  I always walk a lap around the quad, desperate for someone to share a moment with, because I am alone.  I want to walk this lap with a cigarette.

Maybe it's the cold, the way I see my breath in the air.  Last year, I craved cigars the day that first chill came along.  Or maybe it's the way I've always connected around stacks of smoke, around campfires or waterpipes.  (I resurrected an old lighter from highschool this afternoon, there are three stickers on it: a green, a brown, and a pink; three letters spelling out the word "pot", reminders of a better time.)  Maybe I am just hoping someone will stop by and ask me for a cigarette, I'd give them one, and I'd hope for a quick exchange of words, maybe we'd exchange names, maybe we'd exchange feelings, maybe we'd become friends.

Maybe it's because I've been thinking about drugs recently.  I wish I could still smoke weed like I used to.  I want to escape.  I want to spend a Saturday on acid lying alone on the grass, and maybe I wouldn't feel so alone.  I didn't get drunk this Halloween.  I tried, but I had no one to spend Saturday night with.  Maybe I just want an addiction, maybe it would be something to hold on to.  I know it won't help.  I still feel lonely when I am surrounded by stacks of philosophy and poetry, it doesn't help when I finish a paper four days ahead of time, I just want a friend.

It's been so long since I bought a pack that I forgot what kind of cigarettes I smoke.  I stumbled over my words.  I took out my ID so far ahead of time, I must have looked like an 18-year old buying my second or third pack ever.  This pack will last me a week or two, depending on how many I give away.  At the end of those weeks, I'll no longer be a smoker; but, at the end of those weeks, I'll still be lonely.

No Self

Buddhism has been on my mind a lot lately. I'd been curious about it for a long time, and finally studied it in my East Asia Religions class. Two Buddhist concepts that have been on my mind a lot are transience and no-self.  Transience is the concept of impermanence, that nothing ever stays the way it is now.  No-self is the concept that there is no single thing that makes you yourself.  Imagine, for instance, a chair. A chair is made of many smaller parts, so what makes it a chair? There is no single part that makes it a chair. Rather, we recognize this combination of parts (none of which are a chair on their own) as a chair.

"He knows no one shines forever. They change with the weather." - On The Arrow, AFI

One Buddhist meditation is to imagine oneself at five years old, now, and at sixty years old. Is there anything in common between these three people?  The three have completely different thoughts, perspectives, priorities, ideas, voice, appearance, and they are not even made up of the same physical matter. There's no single thread tying the three together.   Thus, there's nothing that makes us us. There is no self.

"You want something that's constant, and I only wanted to be me. But watch, even the stars above, things that seem still are still changing." - Still, Ben Folds

I have always been a terribly nostalgic person. I've always missed moments of the past, missed the people I used to be close to and the places I got to know. What I miss more than anything else is the way I felt in those moments. Looking back, you can never feel that way again. Especially love.  I like to say that once you've loved someone, you will love them forever. That's a complete and utter lie. While some people from my past still bring up feelings within me, I've forgotten many of them. Even the very important ones, such as my first kiss, my first love, my first boyfriend no longer make me swoon. It's amazing that someone who changed my life so much and made me feel so many emotions has now disappeared completely into the fog of my memories. I know that someday this will happen with the present. Perhaps that's even scarier than the thought of this moment never happening again or the prospect of missing someone. It's terrifying to think that there might be a time when I will no longer miss today, when this moment will be so far off, that I won't even know how to miss it. I will literally be a different person than I am today.

"And the waves crashing around me, the sand slips out to see.  And the winds that blow remind me of what has been and what can never be." - The Lighthouse's Tale, Nickel Creek

As I pack up, I think about how this has been the most life-changing year since freshman year of highschool.  This year, I also had the most significant romantic encounter since I was fourteen.  I am grateful for the ways I've changed, and I know the things I've learned will stay with me for the rest of my life.  Still, it sometimes shocks me to look back a year and think about how different I was then.  This really hit me on 420; a year ago, that would have been all that I ever wanted: marijuana was a huge part of my life, and pot culture was filled with hope and community. I've grown distant from this, and it was strange to walk through Norlin Quad, knowing how happy I should be, how happy I would have been, but, really, I didn't care. I am a completely different person than I once was, and the things that fill me with joy now are not the same as the things that filled me with joy then.  Looking around was like looking at the person I used to be from the outside. I am someone else now.

 Rate of Change
 I'm running out of Fridays.
Of course, they'll never be gone
Completely. But Fridays now
Are the Fridays of my life.

Recycle bins fill with beer cans
Flattened by the perpendicular force
Of name-brand sneakers
On the feet of drunk friends.

Gutters collect the butts and filters
Of Newports, Blacks, Camels, and PTs.
Puffs of smoke dissintegrate
And disappear into memories.

My memory is overflowing
With today. The present
Will soon be left behind
And I'll be searching again.

Soon I will scream and laugh
Making more memories to share
And to lose. Soon this and that
Will be the past and time will be fresh.

But I am scared. Not of vodka
Or of ashes, but that I'll sit
Someday alone and I will miss
The rum and chronic of today.

-- from my journal, 04.24.09

I've completely rethought my political perspective.  I've gone 180 on issues such as undocumented immigrants, affirmative action, racism, and colorblind ideology. I've begun identifying strongly as a feminist, and this has become a major part of myself and my identity.  I've also began exploring other forms of marginalization, oppression, and privilege that exist in our society.  I read Peggy McIntosh's "Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack" - like, really read it - and began to acknowledge my own privilege. I've also become familiar with standpoint theory, which is such a simple, common-sense concept, but it has completely altered how I perceive academic literature, and changed how I participate in discussions about marginalized groups that I am not a part of, especially if members of that group are present in the discussion.  Most significantly, I've completely restructured my perspective on what gender and sex is.  I've become sensitive to the gendering of children, biological essentialism, gendered spaces, cissexism, cissupremacy, and how fucking transphobic this fucking world is, and I've overcome more internalized cissexism that I ever thought was possible or necessary (it is very very necessary).  I can't seem to go ten minutes without thinking how patriarchy and sexism pervade our society by creating hetero- and cis-normativity and homophobia and transphobia.  My priorities have also changed significantly, with marijuana dropping off the radar completely, replaced with a dedication to combat oppression, specifically sexism and cissexism.  I've also become even more passionate about and involved in things that concerned me a year ago, such as gay rights.  I've come out three times as three different identities, and begun actively exploring myself, labels, and the way society impacts how I see myself.


So that's where I am at the moment. I'll be somebody else tomorrow, and in an hour. As scary as change is, I have no choice but to embrace it. And embrace it, I will.

Clothes

I had a dream the other day.  I looked in the mirror, and I saw the person that I am not.  So I ran: I ran to a different place, a different city, all while taking off my clothes.  Then, I looked in a different mirror, and I saw my naked body, the body that I am not.  Once again, I ran to a different place, a different city.  I put on clothes along the way, clothes that I thought would make me beautiful, clothes that fit the person that I am.  Fully dressed, I looked in the mirror (the same mirror my dream started with). Fully dressed, I still saw my body, I saw it on my clothes.  So I ran again, taking my clothes off, hoping that once I remove them, they will no longer lie, that I will just be me.  But, when I reached that second mirror it was just my body in the reflection, and my body wasn't me.  And so I ran, and the dream continued in a loop, a cycle, a trap with no escape.

"….So dirty laundry makes me think of clothes and closets.  Clothes to cover up gendered bodies and closets to hide them in."  -- Masculine Femininities Zine, Issue 3

There's no story to this blog.  No rhyme or reason, no transitions.  What I say next has nothing to do with what I said last.  I've just been thinking about clothes lately.

There was a time in my life when I used to smoke a lot of pot.  Back then, I sometimes asked myself: of the clothes I am wearing, which have I smoked pot in?  Almost every day, without fail, I had smoked in every single item of clothing on my body, down to the undergarments.  How quickly that changed once I stopped smoking!  I still play this game every once in a while, I ask myself: which of  these clothes have I smoked pot in?  It's never every item of clothing.  Most of them are "no"s.  But, almost every time there's at least one "yes", one shoe or shirt or bra that carries the past.  So quickly it changes, so much it remains; the person we are and the person we used to be, reflected, as if on a mirror, on the clothes we wear.

Which of these clothes did I question myself in?  Which did I pause before putting on, wondering what they'll imply about myself, about my identity, about the person that I am and that I am not, the person that I want to be?

Last night, another dream about clothes.  A dream of a time and place where a boy wore a skirt, a beautiful yellow and red tie-dye skirt, and I almost didn't even notice, because it was normal.  I can haz that world?

Drugs

Third post of the day, but I promise it's the last, and I promise this is the last time I'll ever do this. After re-reading my old poetry, though, I'm eager to talk about my past.

From July 08 to May 09, drugs played a major role in my life. I had the right personality for drug culture: I was intelligent enough to do it right, curious enough to try new things, rebellious enough to enjoy associating with something deviant, lonely enough to long for a community, rich enough to afford it, and "deep" enough to use it to my full advantage. What more, my body and mind reacted very well to everything I did, so it didn't cause me problems in any aspects of my life, like it did for others. In fact, thanks to marijuana, I grew a lot closer to my sister, and my grades went up for the first time in my life.

That period has passed by, and I have changed a lot, but I still look very highly at the experiences I once had. At the moment, I could almost see myself never doing a drug beyond hookah and beer again in my life, and I would not only be ok with that, I would be happy, and not even care. Still, I don't think I could ever look negatively at the amazing powers of mind-altering substances. Drugs, especially marijuana, have made me the person who I am today, and I wouldn't be the same without those experiences.

Here are some poems I wrote about drugs:

There’s a strange and deep dimension,
If you go there you’ll see
What it’s like to be in line
For the end of humanity.

There’s a nothing filled with nothing,
And it’s moving towards you
Taking everything it passes
Into darkness so pure.

When it’s near, try to run,
But already it’s too late,
And your soul slips in the darkness,
You think death must be your fate.

Then another comes along
Calmly settles down inside
And you wake up where you started
In the same dim light.

Everything remained the same
All these people never changed,
But you know and you can feel it:
Something here is very strange.

For you’ve never met these people,
Though you know them in your mind,
And you’ve never been a human,
What you were, you’ll never find.

So get used here to this world,
Take in everything it’s got,
Everything you do is different,
Don’t let any moment rot.

And when you look at the stars,
Know you’ve been to them before,
And you know the world is smaller,
Then in scientific lore.
-- 08.08.2008; this poem is about my first salvia trip

Split a 40, Smoke a Bowl
We live in a world where bongs become legend,
Stories we won't forget.
We all know the name of everyone's piece
Days we'll never regret.
We met you tripping and rolling and high
While loud music played;
We quickly became buddies for life
Before it got late.
At the light rail station we found a friend:
Hit his perfect joint.
We smoked in the city on stoner hill:
A name that we coined.
At home we fixed a drink for your mom
In roaring laughter.
At the house, we played a game of fooseball
And packed a bowl after.
At noon, in a Jeep, we sped on highways:
A hundred we'd go.
At dusk, we hid beneath those on-ramps:
Time passed us by slow.
A circle, always together, many halves
Of an infinite whole
And just when we though the moment was over
We smoked another bowl.

Dedicated to every stoner in the mile high city.
Thank you for being part of my life.

-- Spring.2009; There's no better place to be a stoner than in Colorado, methinks.

Let this always reign true:
Every morning I kiss you.
Feel your warm breath inside
As I prepare for the ride.

It's a cruel, cruel world in which we live.
Bombs go off and children weep.
Deep inside me someone pleas
"Break these bonds and give us peace."

Corporations bathe our minds
In regurgitated slime
As we hide in daylight
From the creatures of the night.

But I get by with a smile.
Blend right in, forget the time.
I know you're in my heart
Even while we're apart.

Here, no one'd understand
Why we're walking hand in hand.
They say you're an abomination,
But they've never been in love.

I wish we could run away.
I'd make love to you all day.
--  01.14.09; "Got to Get You Into My Life" is The Beatles' ode to marijuana: this is mine.

Cigar Smoke

"It rolls, it turns, it flows. Inside my mouth, little bits slipping into my lungs. My body relaxes. They call it a buzz, but that's such a sad word. A buzz is more like a trip than a high. You forget who you are, you release all your pain, and it flows out of your mouth, hidden deep inside the soft smoke. It's like a bed, or maybe a bit of Heaven. When you inhale Heaven, it goes straight into your soul. Perfection, pure spirit. I wish it never ended. I wish I could taste you forever, but it is time. Listen to it sing before the melody fades away. Goodbye, Heaven."
-- from my journal 01/19/08

In this weather, all I want to do is warm up with a cigar.

Mary Jane

Remember when we were inseparable? I'd kiss you the moment I rolled out of bed, and all day you were by my side. Mary, those were the days. The world was brighter with you by my side. The hours were slower. You helped me through my hardest days, and celebrated my greatest victories. With you, I became a better person, a happier person. And I was in love! It was true, I know it was. I've never loved anyone like I loved you. You meant everything to me, and I couldn't imagine living away from you even for a day.

Things might have changed, but I still think of you often. I remember our days together, those precious hours, and the way I once felt. You changed me forever, but things will never be the same. Sometimes, we run into each other and make love, it's just like it used to be. Passionate, hot love, the type of romance where I emerge a different person than the one I was when I came in. Maybe, I wonder, as we hold each other close, maybe we could do this again. Maybe we can still be together. But most times, Mary, it just isn't the same. I force you onto me, but you slip away between my fingers, leave me feeling empty. Though we are together, something is missing. What happened? Why can't I feel like I once did?

Things change. The world keeps turning, the grass keeps growing. I'll always love you, Mary. I'll never forget our days together. I'll never forget the person I was when you were by my side, and the person I became as a result. And, if we never love again like we used to, it was worth it all. Mary Jane, forever in my heart.

Tom Petty - New Music - More Music Videos

Within our lifetime, and sooner than you could ever imagine...

Is it possible that we're on a brink of such a major change? That, within our lifetime, and sooner than you could ever imagine, cigarettes will be made illegal, and marijuana will be legalized?

Tobacco is the deadliest drug out there: "more than 400,000 Americans now die of tobacco-related illness per year, making it the leading cause of preventeable death in the US. More than 8 million Americans suffer from at least one serious illeness caused by smoking" (1).
However, unlike many much less deadly drugs, this one is legal!
Just this last month, FDA has received authority over tobacco, a huge change in tobacco regulation.
The first thing the FDA did was ban flavored cigarettes from the market (2).
Now that the FDA has control over such a deadly substance, will they dare keep it on the market for much longer?

Cities and states have begun legalizing medical and recreational marijuana.
Thirteen states (Alaska, California, Colorado, Hawaii, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, Oregon, Rhode Island, Vermont, and Washington) have legalized medial marijuana (3).
Cities, such as Denver, have legalized possession of small amounts of marijuana (4)
In 2003, Seattle pioneered a "lowest priority" initiative, which makes possession of small amounts of marijuana the lowest priority of the police. Today, similar initiatives are found in Oakland, Santa Barbara, Santa Cruz, and Santa Monica, California; as well as Columbia, Missouri; Eureka Springs, Arkansas; ...Missoula, Montana"; Hailey, Idaho; as well as my personal favorites, Boulder and Denver, Colorado ( 5, 6, 7).
Tobacco companies have caught on to the trend and have designated land, time, money, and have even created brand names and marketing campaigns for marijuana products (8).

Without a backup plan, making cigarettes illegal would create a huge dent in the economy. Powerful, wealthy corporations would instantly collapse. The FDA would never dare do that.
However, marijuana could be that backup plan. Tobacco companies would remain strong if marijuana was made legal. They'd be the first ones on the scene, and they are ready to take advantage of marijuana's inevitable legalization.

But what would that change entail?
Which would happen first, would tobacco be made illegal or would marijuana be legalized, or would that happen instantaneously?

Would marijuana sales be enough to keep tobacco companies on top? While the legalization of marijuana would eventually mean a collapse of smaller drug dealers, initially, those drug dealers might actually thrive, especially those that get their pot from sources within the country instead of smuggling them internationally. Pot smokers who never grew before might give it a try. Unlike tobacco, marijuana can be grown in someone's home or in someone's backyard. Additionally, marijuana would become big in the food industry, and perhaps even more popular in that form than as a smoked substance. Though the current structure of marijuana sales will definitely change, would it ever be handed over entirely to large corporations?

Is society ready for such a change? Anti-drug crusaders remain strong, and, despite the popularity of marijuana reform, many Americans remain opposed to its legalization and use, especially for recreational purposes.

Additionally, marijuana is a much different drug from tobacco. Even though cigarette use has recently dropped significantly, it still remains a big part of some aspects of American culture. What will happen to groups of co-workers from all walks of life smoking outside their place of work? How about other types of tobacco use, such as cigars and cigar bars and sheesha and hookah bars? It would be used at different times, in different places, by different people. It will be used more like alcohol than like tobacco, though not exactly like either.

What would the legal age for marijuana consumption, possession, and purchase be? Most places that've legalized marijuana or with lowest priority laws define adult consumption as 21, and that's likely to be the minimum age if marijuana is legalized. Tobacco is the drug that become legal when you turn 18, so, if tobacco is made illegal, no new substance will be permitted until you turn 21. If marijuana is legalized, it's likely to be less available to underage users, similar to how alcohol is difficult to come by in highschool. However, unlike alcohol, marijuana can be grown at home, and can even spread like a weed, so it would probably be more available underage than alcohol is now. How would teenagers react to such a change? Would consumption of more dangerous, illegal drugs go up because those drugs will be easier to find?

Where would we be allowed to smoke pot? Would there be designated pot smoking areas? How about the laws that now concern cigarette smoking in public places? Would pot bars open up, and what would it's culture be like?

Would legalizing marijuana open up the way for legalizing other drugs?

We just might find out within our lifetime, and sooner than we could ever imagine.


Sources:
(1) FDA authority over tobacco: http://www.tobaccofreekids.org/reports/fda/
(2) Ban on flavored cigarettes: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/23/health/policy/23fda.html
(3) States that legalized medical marijuana: http://norml.org/index.cfm?Group_ID=3391
(4) Denver legalized marijuana: http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2005-11-03-pot_x.htm
Lowest priority laws (5) in Maine with a list of cities where it's in effect: http://stopthedrugwar.org/chronicle/463/maine_marijuana_lowest_law_enforcement_priority_initiatives (6) in Denver with more cities listed: http://thelede.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/11/07/denver-voters-set-lowest-priority-for-cops-pot/?scp=1-b&sq=denver+and+marijuana&st=nyt (7) in Boulder: http://www.dailycamera.com/boulder-county-news/ci_13450163
(8) Tobacco companies and marijuana: http://www.drugwatch.org/Tobacco_Marijuana_Media.htm (scroll down to "The Tobacco-Marijuana Link")