Revisiting: Bi

A while ago, I wrote on the ways bisexuality erases non-binary gender identities.

Since then, after first getting a glance into what could be called the "bisexual community", I've rethought my previous views, and I'm planning to re-write that essay. For now, here is a summary in bullet points of my thoughts.

I used to say that:

• Identifying as "bisexual" is a privilege that many binary gendered folk have but that non-binary folk (as well as certain binary gendered individuals, eg partners of nonbinaries) do not have.
• "Bisexual" as a personal identity should be restricted to very specific situations when safety or personal comfort is at stake. Sometimes, binary-gendered polysexual folks have to put themselves in inconvenient situations, because non-binary gendered folks don't have the privilege of this convenience.
• "Bisexual" is most harmful as an umbrella term for non-monosexual identities, because it isolates non-bisexual monosexual folk from the community and movement.
• "Lesbian", "gay", and "straight" are not as harmful as "bisexual", because people who are primarily attracted to one gender have very specific experiences that need to be addressed.
• Bisexuality does exist, and there are indeed individuals primarily attracted to men and women, but not non-binary folks.

I now think:

• "Bisexual" is a very powerful and important term with a very strong history and present.
• There are individuals of all genders who identify as "bisexual".
• The use of "bisexual" as a personal identity, just as the use of "lesbian", "gay", and "straight" is always strategic, and it is unfair to scrutinize B folks more than LG & straight folks for their identity.
• Identifying as "bisexual", especially for binary-gendered folks, is still a privilege that not everyone has, and binary-gendered bisexual-identifying folks still need to remain cognizant of their privilege.
• However, identifying as a polysexual identity that isn't bisexual can also occasionally be a privilege, because, unfortunately, other polysexual identities have very political connotations.
• "Bisexual" is most problematic as a term for the community/movement/etc., and as an umbrella term for non-monosexual identities. It's more problematic than "lesbian", "gay", or "straight" on this level, because LG & straight folks have very specific experiences and can unite under this term, while "bisexual" isolates polysexual folk who do not and cannot identify as "bi".
• True "bisexuality" does not exist, because it implies that someone can tell who is or isn't binary-gendered, and thus third-genders certain gender expressions while restricting others to the binary.

My Identity Is Not About Gender Liberation

It’s not about smashing binaries.
It’s not about eliminating oppression.
It’s not about politics.
It’s not about feminism.
It’s not about anarchy.
It’s not about activism.
It’s not about you.
It’s about me.

My gender is non-binary, because that’s what it is.

My gender is not all that unique or special. My gender is not all that queer or all that different. My gender is not rebellious. My gender is not something you should be jealous of. It’s really not all that cool to be genderqueer.  You get ungendered all time, erased in language (“brothers and sisters”, “he or she”), no one knows your gender exists. Coming out requires a bit of a lecture, and everyone starts conflating all sorts of things when you do tell them you are genderqueer.  You really don’t wish you were genderqueer, I promise.  And you really don’t think it’s all that cool, I guarantee you, any more than your binary gender is cool.  Oh, but don’t feel sorry for me. It sucks to be a woman, too, and in some ways it even sucks to be a man, and it sucks to be black or disabled or neuroatypical or lower class or any number of things that you might be that I am not. It really just sucks to be in this world, and I don’t want to play oppression olympics here, but I sure as hell don’t want you to feel sorry for my gender. Get over it, and make it better. Perhaps start by not telling me how cool you think my gender is.

My gender is not about hating binaries. Really, the binaries are hating my gender. My gender is not about how limiting the binary is, and it’s not about liberating myself or anyone else from any binary.  Nor is it about taking anything away from men or women. Men and women can present however they want, relate to their bodies however they want, do to their bodies whatever they want, describe their identities however they want. Really, I don’t care. My identity is not about men or women. It’s about me, about how I understand myself, how I live my life, how others understand me, and what makes sense. Have I ever wondered if I am actually binary-gendered? Yes, all the time. Maybe I am just a binary-gendered guy way pre-transition, who chooses to present in a very femme female way for the time being? Maybe. Maybe I am just a binary-gendered girl with a unique relationship to my body? Maybe. But you know what really makes sense? That I am genderqueer. Not binary-gendered.
and that’s not about you.

(x-posted on Tumblr and FetLife)

In Transition

I've suddenly and very unexpectedly found myself in transition.  My whole life is in flux, and I'm not entirely sure just where I am headed.  I'm leaving it up to faith, praying nightly, and I'm prepared to never give up, despite the challenges that I see burning just over the horizon, their heat already burning my skin.

After recently coming out as genderqueer, I've begun a genderqueer transition (what does that even mean?).  I've come out as genderqueer to all my closest friends, and I'm beginning to do so more publicly and openly; I've adopted the genderqueer pronouns ze/zan, and I'm starting to ask people to use them in most situations; I made myself a binder and purchased men's clothes in hopes of experimenting with a male and/or androgynous gender presentation and perhaps living part-time in a male gender role (is that even possible?).  I am very uncertain about where this transition already went, where it's now going, or how "far" it will go in the future. In fact, I am scared this whole thing will be a huge failure. However, at this time, I don't know, and I am leaving it all up to fate, ready to see where it does and doesn't go as I embark on an amazing journey.

I am transitioning spatially - ie moving.  I'm not quiet sure where or when, but I know I am ready to find a place of my own and to call it home.  Within the next year, I will pack up my life and go somewhere else.  This also means transitioning to a new level of independence, as the distance will mean that the place I call home will no longer be in the same state as the place my family currently calls home.  I am scared, but I am ready.  Much of this, too, is left up to destiny, also known as the admissions counselors at the universities to which I am applying to transfer.

I am transitioning out of two romantic relationships, one of which recently pummeled into heartbreak, and the other is disintegrating due to distance.  Both of these have been very important, and they've had a huge influence on my life.  They've also been filled with new experiences, especially sexually, that taught me a lot about myself, my identity (especially asexuality), and my relationships.  I am unsure where my love life will take me from here, if anywhere, so it's all up to chance.

I am transitioning out of a very interesting time of self-exploration, self-discovery, and coming-out to a place where I am comfortable living with a queer sexual and romantic orientation that I've come to understand really well.  Alongside my gender identity, I've realized that I reached a point where none of my future relationships will be as hetero-normative as those in the past: until recently, I identified primarily as a woman and partnered primarily (almost exclusively) with men.  I am also transitioning out of a very life-changing year that opened up my mind to many new perspectives and completely changed my view of much of the world.  I am learning how to live my life as the person I've become and the person I am becoming.  This transitioning out of a period of transition really goes to show how transition never really begins, and never ends. So, here I am, in transition.

You want something that's constant,
And I only wanted to be me.
But. Watch.
Even the stars above,
Things that seem still
Are still changing.

-- Still, Ben Folds

No Self

Buddhism has been on my mind a lot lately. I'd been curious about it for a long time, and finally studied it in my East Asia Religions class. Two Buddhist concepts that have been on my mind a lot are transience and no-self.  Transience is the concept of impermanence, that nothing ever stays the way it is now.  No-self is the concept that there is no single thing that makes you yourself.  Imagine, for instance, a chair. A chair is made of many smaller parts, so what makes it a chair? There is no single part that makes it a chair. Rather, we recognize this combination of parts (none of which are a chair on their own) as a chair.

"He knows no one shines forever. They change with the weather." - On The Arrow, AFI

One Buddhist meditation is to imagine oneself at five years old, now, and at sixty years old. Is there anything in common between these three people?  The three have completely different thoughts, perspectives, priorities, ideas, voice, appearance, and they are not even made up of the same physical matter. There's no single thread tying the three together.   Thus, there's nothing that makes us us. There is no self.

"You want something that's constant, and I only wanted to be me. But watch, even the stars above, things that seem still are still changing." - Still, Ben Folds

I have always been a terribly nostalgic person. I've always missed moments of the past, missed the people I used to be close to and the places I got to know. What I miss more than anything else is the way I felt in those moments. Looking back, you can never feel that way again. Especially love.  I like to say that once you've loved someone, you will love them forever. That's a complete and utter lie. While some people from my past still bring up feelings within me, I've forgotten many of them. Even the very important ones, such as my first kiss, my first love, my first boyfriend no longer make me swoon. It's amazing that someone who changed my life so much and made me feel so many emotions has now disappeared completely into the fog of my memories. I know that someday this will happen with the present. Perhaps that's even scarier than the thought of this moment never happening again or the prospect of missing someone. It's terrifying to think that there might be a time when I will no longer miss today, when this moment will be so far off, that I won't even know how to miss it. I will literally be a different person than I am today.

"And the waves crashing around me, the sand slips out to see.  And the winds that blow remind me of what has been and what can never be." - The Lighthouse's Tale, Nickel Creek

As I pack up, I think about how this has been the most life-changing year since freshman year of highschool.  This year, I also had the most significant romantic encounter since I was fourteen.  I am grateful for the ways I've changed, and I know the things I've learned will stay with me for the rest of my life.  Still, it sometimes shocks me to look back a year and think about how different I was then.  This really hit me on 420; a year ago, that would have been all that I ever wanted: marijuana was a huge part of my life, and pot culture was filled with hope and community. I've grown distant from this, and it was strange to walk through Norlin Quad, knowing how happy I should be, how happy I would have been, but, really, I didn't care. I am a completely different person than I once was, and the things that fill me with joy now are not the same as the things that filled me with joy then.  Looking around was like looking at the person I used to be from the outside. I am someone else now.

 Rate of Change
 I'm running out of Fridays.
Of course, they'll never be gone
Completely. But Fridays now
Are the Fridays of my life.

Recycle bins fill with beer cans
Flattened by the perpendicular force
Of name-brand sneakers
On the feet of drunk friends.

Gutters collect the butts and filters
Of Newports, Blacks, Camels, and PTs.
Puffs of smoke dissintegrate
And disappear into memories.

My memory is overflowing
With today. The present
Will soon be left behind
And I'll be searching again.

Soon I will scream and laugh
Making more memories to share
And to lose. Soon this and that
Will be the past and time will be fresh.

But I am scared. Not of vodka
Or of ashes, but that I'll sit
Someday alone and I will miss
The rum and chronic of today.

-- from my journal, 04.24.09

I've completely rethought my political perspective.  I've gone 180 on issues such as undocumented immigrants, affirmative action, racism, and colorblind ideology. I've begun identifying strongly as a feminist, and this has become a major part of myself and my identity.  I've also began exploring other forms of marginalization, oppression, and privilege that exist in our society.  I read Peggy McIntosh's "Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack" - like, really read it - and began to acknowledge my own privilege. I've also become familiar with standpoint theory, which is such a simple, common-sense concept, but it has completely altered how I perceive academic literature, and changed how I participate in discussions about marginalized groups that I am not a part of, especially if members of that group are present in the discussion.  Most significantly, I've completely restructured my perspective on what gender and sex is.  I've become sensitive to the gendering of children, biological essentialism, gendered spaces, cissexism, cissupremacy, and how fucking transphobic this fucking world is, and I've overcome more internalized cissexism that I ever thought was possible or necessary (it is very very necessary).  I can't seem to go ten minutes without thinking how patriarchy and sexism pervade our society by creating hetero- and cis-normativity and homophobia and transphobia.  My priorities have also changed significantly, with marijuana dropping off the radar completely, replaced with a dedication to combat oppression, specifically sexism and cissexism.  I've also become even more passionate about and involved in things that concerned me a year ago, such as gay rights.  I've come out three times as three different identities, and begun actively exploring myself, labels, and the way society impacts how I see myself.


So that's where I am at the moment. I'll be somebody else tomorrow, and in an hour. As scary as change is, I have no choice but to embrace it. And embrace it, I will.

Multisexual Identities

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Intersexuality as Identity.

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Appropriation of Genderqueer Identities in My Community

Before you read this post, you're required to read this article from Questioning Transphobia.  This post is, in some ways, my own response to that article, which perfectly describes the phenomenon of appropriation of genderqueer identities; I'm going to look specifically at its presence and influence in my community(ies).  Like that article says, "none of this, however, should be an excuse for binary gendered people (especially cis people) to decide who is and isn’t genderqueer enough".  I am not questioning or criticizing the identities or the pronoun preferences of any individual in my community, and neither should you.  Instead, I'm simply discussing a trend I've noticed, and I'm explaining why I find it problematic.

Subversivism: Sexism that is rooted in the presumption that genders and sexualities that are deemed subversive, radical, or transgressive are inherently superior to those that are more conventional. While this form of sexism is not prevalent in mainstream culture, it does proliferate in queer, feminist and radical circles. - Julia Serano

At a recent student group meeting, we went around and introduced ourselves with our name and preferred pronoun.  Nearly everyone said that "they don't care" about pronouns.  This left strongly binary identified people, especially strongly binary identified cis people, feeling inferior.  They came up to me after the meeting, frustrated by how it turned out, and grateful for the few other people in the room that stated a binary pronoun preference.  It also infuriated myself: as someone who is questioning my gender identity and may be non-binary, I felt that my identity was completely invalidated, and I am sure other non-binary individuals (would have) felt the same way.  Nearly everyone at the meeting was cisgender, and I suspect many of them really do have a pronoun preference and would not actually be comfortable going by any pronouns; as a good friend of mine recently put it, their stated pronoun preference is equivalent to saying "I'm not sick, but I just don't want to say that I'm well."  In many ways, I felt that meeting was an example of subversivism in my community.  Some people, perhaps some of the people at the meeting, do not have a pronoun preference.  I am in no position to accuse any individuals of appropriation or dishonesty, and this discussion is about the greater trend, rather than the individuals at the meeting.

When I was in highschool, there was a lot of appropriation of bisexuality by girls.  In the crowd I hung out with, bisexuality was non-conformist, rebellious, sexy, and punk.  That's not to say that every girl who identified at bisexual at that time did so to be radical, and many of my bisexual female friends truly were queer and even ran Spectrum, the GSA at my highschool.  I will never accuse any individual girl of not really being bi, because it's not my place to make that decision; nor will I ever say that bisexuality itself is a trend, as many polysexual people continue to be oppressed by monosexism and biphobia.  However, I have no doubt that, at that place and time, the trend existed, and that a lot of appropriation did occur.  In highschool, although I experienced attraction towards girls and was active in the queer community and the gay-straight alliance, I identified as straight; in many ways, this was because I feared being associated with the bisexual trend and felt that my identity would not be considered valid in such a culture.  It wasn't until I got out of that community that I began embracing my queer identity.  Recently, I'm beginning to notice many similarities between bisexual identity in my former highschool community and genderqueer identity in my college community today, as well as my own relationship with  these identities within the greater social context.

The gender binary hurts us all by instilling gender expectations and promoting sexism, homophobia, and transphobia.  Thus, it's completely acceptable for anyone to be frustrated with the binary and to want to smash it (I know I do!), it's completely acceptable to experience anxiety and discomfort with hegemonic gender expectations and scripts, and it's completely acceptable for people to dislike pronouns and labels.  In fact, I think all of us should actively pursue a post-gender world.  However, appropriating genderqueer identities is not the way to do so. Appropriation is harmful to all people, cis and trans, binary and non-binary.

I've feel like I've covered some sketchy ground, and it's important to once again clarify that no one should ever accuse anyone of not really being genderqueer, bisexual, or any other identity, and a person's pronoun preferences should always be respected.  However, I also think it's important for individuals to consider the things they say and why they say.  As the article I linked at the beginning explained (and if you haven't read it yet, go do it immediately), appropriation of genderqueer identities is harmful to everyone, and should be avoided. In my community, I've seen first-hand how such appropriation hurts many different people.

Edit: I edited the fourth paragraph because, upon rereading it, I found some of the things I wrote problematic and inconsistent with my actual opinion.

Clothes

I had a dream the other day.  I looked in the mirror, and I saw the person that I am not.  So I ran: I ran to a different place, a different city, all while taking off my clothes.  Then, I looked in a different mirror, and I saw my naked body, the body that I am not.  Once again, I ran to a different place, a different city.  I put on clothes along the way, clothes that I thought would make me beautiful, clothes that fit the person that I am.  Fully dressed, I looked in the mirror (the same mirror my dream started with). Fully dressed, I still saw my body, I saw it on my clothes.  So I ran again, taking my clothes off, hoping that once I remove them, they will no longer lie, that I will just be me.  But, when I reached that second mirror it was just my body in the reflection, and my body wasn't me.  And so I ran, and the dream continued in a loop, a cycle, a trap with no escape.

"….So dirty laundry makes me think of clothes and closets.  Clothes to cover up gendered bodies and closets to hide them in."  -- Masculine Femininities Zine, Issue 3

There's no story to this blog.  No rhyme or reason, no transitions.  What I say next has nothing to do with what I said last.  I've just been thinking about clothes lately.

There was a time in my life when I used to smoke a lot of pot.  Back then, I sometimes asked myself: of the clothes I am wearing, which have I smoked pot in?  Almost every day, without fail, I had smoked in every single item of clothing on my body, down to the undergarments.  How quickly that changed once I stopped smoking!  I still play this game every once in a while, I ask myself: which of  these clothes have I smoked pot in?  It's never every item of clothing.  Most of them are "no"s.  But, almost every time there's at least one "yes", one shoe or shirt or bra that carries the past.  So quickly it changes, so much it remains; the person we are and the person we used to be, reflected, as if on a mirror, on the clothes we wear.

Which of these clothes did I question myself in?  Which did I pause before putting on, wondering what they'll imply about myself, about my identity, about the person that I am and that I am not, the person that I want to be?

Last night, another dream about clothes.  A dream of a time and place where a boy wore a skirt, a beautiful yellow and red tie-dye skirt, and I almost didn't even notice, because it was normal.  I can haz that world?

Self-Identity

One thing that I love about the queer community is the appreciation of self-identity. This extends beyond sexuality and gender identities, but into all aspects of life. I've noticed myself and others speaking about almost anything in terms of an identity: anything from social class, to political orientation, to emotional conditions, to simple descriptor words like "a flirt" or "stoner" have beecome things you do or don't identify as. However, the community is also especially accepting of the fact that not all people's identities fit a label. Identities like "queer", for example, are flexible and have no solid definition, allowing people to identify however they wish.

In discussions about different identities, I've often had people say something along the lines of "why do we need to label?" or "labels are for jars!".  I've found this to be very frustrating, mostly because it hinders discussion, but also because, in my opinion, someone's self-identity is an integral part of who a person is, and an important aspect of how we understand ourselves. Although not every person may need a label to understand who they are and not all people have a label that fits them, I don't feel that way at all. Instead, I am constantly searching for the identity that suits me the best, and this is constantly on my mind. If labels are for jars, I must be full of pickles.

In the greater context of philosophy of language and metaphysics, however, such a perspective seems to go against everything I believe it. The view that I most often subscribe to sees the world as one whole. However, when we choose to define something in this whole (usually through language), we pull it out of whole. Once we define "chair", we no longer have one, but two: "chair", and everything other than "chair".  My personal favorite philosophy, Daoism, describes this very perspective:

All in the world recognize the beautiful as beautiful.
Herein lies ugliness.
All recognize the good as good.
Herein lies evil.

Therefore
Being and non-being produce each other.
Difficulty and ease bring about each other.
Long and short delimit each other.
High and low rest on each other.
Sound and voice harmonize each other.
Front and back follow each other.

Therefore, the sage abides in the condition of wu-wei.
And carries out the wordless teaching.
Here, the myriad things are made, yet not separated.

-- Daodejing Ch 2

The Tao produces one, one produces two.
The two produce the three and the three produce all things.

-- Daodejing Ch 42

By abandoning definitions and dichotomies, you can become one with the Dao.  Thus, I think Lao Tzu would discourage us from creating and claiming labels. However, I find this somehow counter-intuitive. I would rather we have a plethora of labels to choose from and be able to create our own as we see fit than subscribe to a limiting binary. Though it would be nice to eliminate labels entirely, I don't see that happening any time soon: whenever we meet someone, they're going to want to know if we're gay or straight (well, actually whenever we meet someone, they'll assume we're straight, but if they question it, they'll want to know); I'd much rather be able to tell them I'm "queer" then identify as "neither of those" as I attempt to break down the structure of labels. Somehow, it seems that if we keep adding labels and making them acceptable, eventually, we will break down this structure, and it will be much more pleasant and effective than trying to forcefully destroy it the other way around.


Another element of self-identity that has been on my mind is the idea of "self": if we decide to do so, can we identify as whatever we wish? I've seen a few discussions recently about appropriation and misuse of identities such as queer, genderqueer, and even ally. This seems right on par with another Eastern philosophical tradition: Confucianism. Daoism, as I discussed, rejects labels and names, and it was in many ways intentionally built to contrast with Confucianism, which instead puts a very strong emphasis on names. One major element of the Confucian tradition is the rectification of names: one must act like whoever they are to actually be that person. For example, a "king" is a kind ruler who rules for his subjects. A selfish ruler who cares more about profit than rightness and humaneness is not a "king", but a "tyrant". Now, I'm not trying to say that there's a certain way someone must act to really be genderqueer, but I do think that Confucius would agree with anarchafemme on Questioning Transphobia. I think that article does a really good job with discussing the problems associated with the appropriation of any identity, and actually being something is an integral part of identifying as such.

I am frustrated.

I am frustrated because today is one of those days, in every single way.

I am frustrated with the word "bisexual". I am frustrated because I think it goes against everything our community believes in. I am not frustrated with the fact that some people are bisexual, that some people may prefer binary gender identities or gender presentations to non-binary gender identities and gender presentations, but I'm frustrated with people for whom this isn't true that use that term out of convenience without even giving it a second though.

I am frustrated with the trinary of sexualities: L G B, and I'm frustrated because I try to explain "queer", "pan", "fluid" to people around me, and in the end, many simply conclude that I'm bi, erasing my attraction to non-binary individuals, and erasing the existence of non-binary individuals.

I am frustrated with the word "biphobia" because it means practically the same thing as "monosexism", only biphobia refers to phobia of bisexuality, while monosexism refers to phobia of various non-monosexual orientations.

I am frustrated with pansexual people who say that, to them, gender "doesn't matter". That they don't see a person's gender, but just the person "inside". Because, you know what, gender does matter. And, sure, maybe you don't have a preference for a certain gender, but it's an integral part of your partners identity, so you can't just pretend it's not there, and then act like you're somehow more enlightened than others because of your supposed lack of sexuality. And I'm frustrated because this alone is making me shy away from identifying as panromantic, although I feel like it's the term that best fits me.

I am frustrated with the hostility I am facing as a gray-a sexual. I am frustrated with people insisting that this is something that I need to fix, that I haven't met the right person and need to try to, that it's not normal. I've had a healthier sex life than most of the sexual people I know. I am sick and tired of people assuming that they know me better than I know myself, and that I can't be happy without sex.

I am frustrated because my romantic orientation is apparently not as "real" as a sexual person's. Because I recently told a friend that I am, somewhat, polyamorous and curious about polyamory, and she said "well, you're also a romantic asexual", as if that makes me any less polyamorous.

I am frustrated because I do have a somewhat unusual relationship with my body, and that recently, people have been acting like there's something wrong with that. Like, a friend of mine said that I'm "ignoring my vagina", which I'm not, I know my body much, much better than the vast majority of women, and I know very well how I relate to it. My relationship with my body is very healthy, and I don't see why it has to be the same as everyone else assigned female at birth. I am me, I am not everyone else.

I am tired of the biological determinism in the gay and lesbian communities. I am frustrated with gays and lesbians expressing a disgust in "vagina" or "penis" to prove their sexuality.  I am frustrated because it puts the focus on sex, alienating queer romantic asexuals. But mostly, I am frustrated because I think that's very, very transphobic.

I am frustrated with my body. I am frustrated with the way it feels and the way I relate to it. I am annoyed because I have issues with PVI, because it's uncomfortable at best and painful at worst; and I wish I was at least ambivalent to it, and could occasionally enjoy it as I do with oral, anal, and other types of sex. I am frustrated with the fact that no one else seems to have a sex identity quiet like mine, and I honestly don't think there's even a word to describe how I feel about my physical sex.

I am exhausted from questioning. I've been questioning my sexuality since I knew it was possible for a girl to like girls. I've been questioning my gender identity since I was a child. I've been questioning my (a)sexuality since before I had sex. And I'm still questioning it all. And, you know what, "fluid" is the perfect word to describe me in all respects, but somehow, it isn't enough. As I'm experiencing an ardent phase, I'm beginning to wonder: what if I'm not asexual? As I lean towards men, I'm beginning to wonder: what if I'm straight? And I'm so. fucking. tired of it.

I am frustrated because I feel like people have been disrespecting me lately, because I think I'm being much too patient with a few friends.

I am frustrated and I feel lonely.

Last night, I had a dream that someone drugged us all, and we talked and talked about the deepest things, and then we cried. But, when we woke up, we couldn't remember any of it. We were safe: safe from the danger of intimacy, safe from others knowing who we are, safe from anyone seeing us cry. Yet we felt so much better after the drugs had worn off, so much closer, so much lighter. We talked about everything. When I woke up in the morning, I was back to this silent world.

Can we please talk?

Feeling a little queer.

I'd like to talk about myself at the moment.

I'm feeling a little queer today.  Here's a picture I took, and I am really quiet proud of me.  First, my hat.  Back when I had long hair, I would put all my hair in this hat when I wore it.  Granted, I didn't wear it very often, but when I did, I would stand in front of the mirror, and I'd think that, with most of my hair gone, I look quiet a bit like a boy.  It was good to know that there really is very little difference between men and women.  As a result, I always wore the hat on days when I was feeling especially masculine, and I still do.

The tie.  Sure, it's a clip on, but I still feel really cool.  Also, it's my best friend CoCo's tie.  She gave it to me when I was taking her to the Yule ball, so that I could be "the man". Ironic, right, that I borrowed my tie from my woman? I still have to give it back.  Someday, I will get myself a tie.  I've always been intrigued by beautiful ties that are practically works of art, and I've always thought that it seems very fun to be an adult man in the business world, dressing up an otherwise plain suit with an attractive, stylish, somewhat colorful, creative tie.

The pin. The QI is going to do Day Without Gender, in which we will turn the bathrooms in the UMC gender neutral for a day.  I am on the committee planning it, and we just made these pins today.  The symbol on my pin (right, sorry it's crooked, but who likes things straight, anyways?) is the gender neutral bathroom sign.  I am a huge proponent of gender neutral bathrooms, and they are a big step towards a world beyond the gender binary.  They simply make life easier for us all.

We all have these queer days once in a while.  I've just been having them a lot lately.

More dimensions, please!

We view the world as a binary.  Either you're A or not-A.  Either you're man or woman, white of a person of color, heterosexual or queer, liberal or conservative, good-looking or ugly, wrong or right.  What a stupid view of the world, a divisive, unfriendly view.  There are so many dimensions to everything.

I will use politics as my first example.  There's more to political views than being liberal or conservative.  It's a spectrum: you could me more or less liberal and conservative than others you know, you could be moderate, or just a little more liberal than conservative.  There's the first dimension, a one-dimensional spectrum that doesn't require you to be one or the other.  Yet that's not enough. On some issues, you may agree with the conservatives, while on others, you may think the liberals are right.  In politics, we are faced with social and economic issues, both of which are very different.  Thus, we have the two-dimensional view of politics, shown above right.  Yet even that's not enough.  About the same time I began exploring political views, I started playing a game called NationStates.  This game brought me an entirely new view of politics, a three dimensional perspective, shown to the left.  This view contains three spectrums: economic, political, and personal freedoms.  Even three dimensions isn't enough.  A true political spectrum would contain every issue, perhaps several possible spectrums for certain issues.  Yet three dimensions is easy for a human mind to understand, and is a great way to view politics.

How about sexuality and gender? The sexuality spectrum, I'm quiet certain, would contain a potential partner's gender, sexuality (I, for example, am very attracted to queer people of any gender), masculinity vs femininity, even a possible fourth dimension of sex.  The gender spectrum could contain gender, masculinity vs. femininity (You could be a feminine man or a masculine woman), perhaps physical sex.  What other factors would lie on these two spectrums? Where else in life do we need a multi-dimensional perspective?

Overall, I'm tired of binaries, and one-dimensional spectrums aren't enough for me, either. Let's change the world.

The next morning, I woke up, and I was a dude.

Quiet an odd dream I had last night ...

I was with my family in a quiet peculiar institution. It was a sort of amphitheater, only, instead of seats, every party had a personal natural hot tub from which to watch the performance. The whole place was entirely nude, too. About halfway through the performance, someone on stage announced that there was a celebrity in the audience. He said the guy's name, and everybody turned to him and applauded him. I asked my stepdad who this guy is, but my stepdad said something along the lines of, "I'd tell you, but you're not ready to know/too young to know/you'll understand it better later." Well, this really pissed me off: my stepdad has a tendency to think I'm younger than I really am. I yelled at him and asked him to tell me more but he refused, and I got really angry and frustrated. At the end of the concert, I went up to the guy and asked him what he did. He told me about some philanthropic stuff he was into, and I didn't know the details of what that was, but it seemed nice and I told him so. I truly didn't understand why my stepdad wouldn't tell me what he did, but I kinda got the idea that I would comprehend his answer better if I knew what exactly he was talking about. Nonetheless, I felt much less frustrated and more complete now, so I went to bed in our little hot-tub side cabin.

The next morning, I woke up, and I was a dude. I was very confused and went out looking for answers before my family woke up. I saw some people I met last night, and I told them of my dilemma. Of course, we were all naked, which made the whole thing much more ... open. Well, they totally recognized me, despite the fact that I was suddenly a dude, and they believed me and agreed to help me figure things out. We tracked down all this information on me: my driver's license, birth certificate. Turns out I had a whole life laid out for me. No specific details, but the simple stuff were there: I had a name, a high school diploma, I was enrolled in college and had a dorm, and I had a birth certificate saying that my parents were still my parents. There it got a little weird; I had a twin sister: myself; I was my own twin brother.

Well, I went to college so I could find my sister (my self) in her dorm. Perhaps, I thought, she'd (I'd) somehow have a memory of me. Well, she (I) didn't. She (I) thought I was a weird freak. Then, I told her (myself) all her (my own) deep dark secrets that she (I) never told anyone. I think then she (I) believed me, only she (I) was very confused and needed some time to get used to the idea.

Having figured most everything out, I decided it was time to relax. First, I went and took a piss in the urinal just for fun. It was fun. Then, I decided I needed to masturbate. At that point, I got a little confused. I had never considered what I'd do with my cum once I came. I decided to do it in the bathroom and come in the toilet, but the whole bathroom-stall thing was not arousing, and I couldn't get hard. I tried to figure something else out, but I was clueless. I didn't want to make a mess! About then, I woke up, having failed at enjoying my penis.

If I was born male ...

I remember when Lauren and I used to say that we were meant to be born gay men. We were best friends at the time, and we had a lot in common. She was bi (and sometimes lesbian) and I was straight (but sometimes questioning). We were both outcasts, though happy within our odd group of friends, and both longed for a way to escape society. We hated the way the world expected us to act and despised those who always seemed to fit in. And both of us wished we'd been born male. Thinking about that recently, I realized that if I had been born male, I would most definitely not be gay. Not that I would be your usual man, either. What would I be like if I had been born male?

If I was born male, I would be your typical boy, though I'd probably be somewhat quiet. I'd be a lot more social than I was as a girl, and I'd have many friends. I would love playing sports, being rowdy, building forts, and playing with trains and legos. I would become obsessed with baseball and monster trucks, and everyone would tell my mom what a cute boy I am (after all, people told my mom that I was a cute boy when I was a girl with short hair). Overall, I would have a very good childhood and wouldn't really stand out at all.

If I was male in middle school, things would start to change. I was a late bloomer as a girl, so I'd be a late bloomer as a boy. I wouldn't know how to talk to girls, nor would I have much interest in talking to them at all. I would be a lot more comfortable with my guy friends. Things would get really hard for me once my mom would stop buying me clothes. I would do my best to be a fashionable male, but I would feel uncomfortable in men's clothing and I would wonder what a man is supposed to look like. When no one's home, I would try on my sister's skirts, and feel really embarrassed about it afterward. I would become very self-conscious and might even start to hate myself.

If I was a male in high school, things would get better. Having blossomed, I would come to love my body, and I'd work out and run often, making sure I stay in the best of shape. I would become very proud of my pecs, my abs, and my dick. I would start to fall for girls, and girls would fall for me, too. If I was a man, I would be damn sexy. I would start sleeping with my girlfriends and I would become very comfortable with my sexuality. Nonetheless, I would still be very fashion conscious. I'd develop my personal man-style, possibly one that would involve many button-down shirts, though I'd experiment with other looks, as well. I'd get into raving, and I'd love the bright, neon, feminine colors that are so popular in the culture. I'd enjoy wearing Tripps, Phats, and bell bottoms, but only within the context of a rave. Also, just for fun one day, I would wear a kilt. I would love it, and I would wish I could wear skirts and dresses and still me manly. As a result, I would become jealous of women and critical of feminists, thinking that it's unfair that females complain about being unequal when they can do so many things I can't: wear pants OR a skirt, be intimate with their friends of either gender, and wait on the guy to make a move.

If I was a male in college, I'd have lots of fun. I would be very promiscuous, sometimes sleeping with multiple women in one night, though usually sticking with a few especially sexy fuck-buddies. Sometimes, I would wonder if I'm missing out on something by not being in a relationship or falling in love, but then I'd lose myself in the body of a beautiful woman I just met, and I'd forget all my worries. I would be a very sentimental man-whore. Perhaps, secretly, I would start cross-dressing. I would befriend other cross-dresses who'd accept me for who I am. I would even tell a few of my guy friends about it, but only the very good friends, who'd laugh at me and think it was really weird, but they'd keep in quiet because our man-bond would be so strong. Sure, they'd accuse me of being gay, but by that point in time, I'd be so comfortable with girls, I wouldn't even consider it. Girls are hot.

Eventually, if I was born male, I'd grow up. I would get married to a beautiful, intelligent woman, and we'd have beautiful babies. We would be the average family, and we'd all be very happy. I would make an amazing father and the kids would love me. Maybe we'd get divorced, but it wouldn't be a tragic divorce, and we'd both re-marry, equally splitting time with our children, staying in touch, and still remaining happy. I would be amazing and happy, fitting in perfectly in the workforce. I would look amazing in a suit, and I would always wear the most fashionable ties. I would be a happy, healthy, and attractive man my entire life.

If was born male, I would often wonder what life would be like if I was born female. I really want to know what male-me would predict about female-me.