30 November 2009

Mary Jane

Remember when we were inseparable? I'd kiss you the moment I rolled out of bed, and all day you were by my side. Mary, those were the days. The world was brighter with you by my side. The hours were slower. You helped me through my hardest days, and celebrated my greatest victories. With you, I became a better person, a happier person. And I was in love! It was true, I know it was. I've never loved anyone like I loved you. You meant everything to me, and I couldn't imagine living away from you even for a day.

Things might have changed, but I still think of you often. I remember our days together, those precious hours, and the way I once felt. You changed me forever, but things will never be the same. Sometimes, we run into each other and make love, it's just like it used to be. Passionate, hot love, the type of romance where I emerge a different person than the one I was when I came in. Maybe, I wonder, as we hold each other close, maybe we could do this again. Maybe we can still be together. But most times, Mary, it just isn't the same. I force you onto me, but you slip away between my fingers, leave me feeling empty. Though we are together, something is missing. What happened? Why can't I feel like I once did?

Things change. The world keeps turning, the grass keeps growing. I'll always love you, Mary. I'll never forget our days together. I'll never forget the person I was when you were by my side, and the person I became as a result. And, if we never love again like we used to, it was worth it all. Mary Jane, forever in my heart.

22 November 2009

15 Saddest Songs

I wrote this about a year ago, and I really like it.
Please leave any ideas about other sad songs.

15 Saddest Songs
because I enjoy spending many days depressing the shit out of myself.

15. Stop the Car!!! by Fire Flies
You know that feeling when you're so desperate that you feel like you're drowning in quicksand and only one person in the entire world can pull you out? This song beautifully captures this feeling with it's hopeless tune, metaphoric lyrics, and teary vocals.
I'm just a space man
Lost in the darkness
And the air's
Getting thin.

14. She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5
Despite the melancholy optimism in this love song, the melody, as well as the lyrics, always makes me tear up.
I don't mind spending every day
Out in your corner on the pouring rain.
Look for the girl with the broken smile,
Ask her if she wants to stay a while.

13. Listen to Your Heart by D.H.T.
This song touches the heart of anyone who's ever been in love and watched their feeling fade away.  A love song told in memories, it teaches the sad lesson that, no matter how hard it may be, you have to "listen to your heart".  Edmee's Unplugged Vocal Edit is the slowest and saddest remix of this song.
I know there's something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes.
You've built a love, but that love falls apart.
That little bit of heaven turns to dark.

12. It Ends Tonight by The All American Rejects
Sometimes, things just have to come to an end.  When such a time comes, I always cry to the beat of the beautiful keyboards in this song.
And all the wants,
And all the needs,
Oh I don't want to need at all.

11. I've Got a Dark Alley and a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song) by Fall Out Boy
I know that you, dear reader, hate FOB, but give this song a chance. Despite its deceiving title, this is an amazing break-up song that honestly portrays the hopeless desperation that trails the end of any relationship.
And the poets are just kids who didn't make it
And never had it at all
And the record won't stop skipping
And the lies just won't stop slipping

10. Love Makes the World Go Round by Ashlee Simpson
Before you give me shit for putting Ashlee Simpson on this list, listen to the first verse and the chorus.  Whenever my heart breaks, this song always makes sense, more than anything else.
Here, here I am again.
And I'm staring at these same four walls,
Alone again.
And now all the colors blend.

9. In the Deep by Bird York
This is the perfect song for when you realize something horrible.  It's like a sad euphoria.  The vocals are amazing, as are the lethargic lyrics. This song is featured in the sad and amazing movie Crash.
Thought you had all the answers
To rest your heart upon,
But something happens,
Don't see it coming,
You can't stop yourself.

8. The Chill of October by Client
The deep, dark orchestral part makes this the best song to listen to when you "cry the night away", especially if it's pouring outside your window.
Cry the night away,
Cry the night away,
Boy, I think it's over.

7. No Surprises by Radiohead
It sounds like a lullaby, but this is one sleep you won't wake up from.  An amazing, peaceful piece that honestly discusses a taboo subjects.  It is also the first of two songs on this list to mention suicide by carbon monoxide.  Note: Which other Radiohead songs would you recommend? They're really good when you listen to the lyrics, but the vocals make it difficult for that to come naturally.
A heart that's full up like a landfill,
a job that slowly kills you,
bruises that won't heal.

6. Stand in the Rain by Superchick
Another rainy day song, the lyrics build you up and make you strong, yet, 2:12 into the song, you can't help but break down as the vocalist strikes a high pitched minor chord.
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

5. Slow Motion by Third Eye Blind
A beautiful song with horrific imagery.  Once you're done crying, this song will have you thinking for days afterwards. Note: I read that the lead singer of this band lived in Palo Alto and went to Gunn.
Two loads of coke I cut with Dran-o.
And her nose starts to bleed
A most beautiful ruby red.

4. How to Save a Life by The Fray
Anyone who's ever lost a friend will tear up at the hopelessness of this song.  When it's too late, this song captures all the guilt, pain, and what-ifs that fill your mind.
Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend.
Somewhere alone in the bitterness.
But I'd've stayed up with you all night.
Had I known how to save a life.

3. Photograph by Nickelback
Everyone can relate to this song about memories that passed.  Sometime in everyone's life, we have to say "goodbye" to the past.
Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh:
How did our eyes get so red,
And what the hell is on Joey's head.

2. Any Other World by Mika
While generally Mika's songs tend to be happy, this exception bites.  It speaks the truth about the horrors of the world we live in.  It's true, sometime, we have to give up our dreams, hopes, and integrity, and we have to become one of the crowd.
Take a bow, play the part
Of a lonely, lonely world.
Say goodbye
to the world you thought you lived in.

1. War All the Time by Thursday
This song, like so many of Thursday's pieces, simply makes you want to die on the spot.  It speaks of the misery that we all suffer.  By the end of this song, you know that life truly sucks.  Note: All of Thursday’s songs are sad. Could you suggest any?
So we parked these cars
In parent's garage
Listened to the lullaby of carbon monoxide.
War all of the time
In the shadow of the New York skyline
We grew up too fast
Falling apart,
Like the ashes of American flags.

11 November 2009

Feeling a little queer.

I'd like to talk about myself at the moment.

I'm feeling a little queer today.  Here's a picture I took, and I am really quiet proud of me.  First, my hat.  Back when I had long hair, I would put all my hair in this hat when I wore it.  Granted, I didn't wear it very often, but when I did, I would stand in front of the mirror, and I'd think that, with most of my hair gone, I look quiet a bit like a boy.  It was good to know that there really is very little difference between men and women.  As a result, I always wore the hat on days when I was feeling especially masculine, and I still do.

The tie.  Sure, it's a clip on, but I still feel really cool.  Also, it's my best friend CoCo's tie.  She gave it to me when I was taking her to the Yule ball, so that I could be "the man". Ironic, right, that I borrowed my tie from my woman? I still have to give it back.  Someday, I will get myself a tie.  I've always been intrigued by beautiful ties that are practically works of art, and I've always thought that it seems very fun to be an adult man in the business world, dressing up an otherwise plain suit with an attractive, stylish, somewhat colorful, creative tie.

The pin. The QI is going to do Day Without Gender, in which we will turn the bathrooms in the UMC gender neutral for a day.  I am on the committee planning it, and we just made these pins today.  The symbol on my pin (right, sorry it's crooked, but who likes things straight, anyways?) is the gender neutral bathroom sign.  I am a huge proponent of gender neutral bathrooms, and they are a big step towards a world beyond the gender binary.  They simply make life easier for us all.

We all have these queer days once in a while.  I've just been having them a lot lately.

More dimensions, please!

We view the world as a binary.  Either you're A or not-A.  Either you're man or woman, white of a person of color, heterosexual or queer, liberal or conservative, good-looking or ugly, wrong or right.  What a stupid view of the world, a divisive, unfriendly view.  There are so many dimensions to everything.

I will use politics as my first example.  There's more to political views than being liberal or conservative.  It's a spectrum: you could me more or less liberal and conservative than others you know, you could be moderate, or just a little more liberal than conservative.  There's the first dimension, a one-dimensional spectrum that doesn't require you to be one or the other.  Yet that's not enough. On some issues, you may agree with the conservatives, while on others, you may think the liberals are right.  In politics, we are faced with social and economic issues, both of which are very different.  Thus, we have the two-dimensional view of politics, shown above right.  Yet even that's not enough.  About the same time I began exploring political views, I started playing a game called NationStates.  This game brought me an entirely new view of politics, a three dimensional perspective, shown to the left.  This view contains three spectrums: economic, political, and personal freedoms.  Even three dimensions isn't enough.  A true political spectrum would contain every issue, perhaps several possible spectrums for certain issues.  Yet three dimensions is easy for a human mind to understand, and is a great way to view politics.

How about sexuality and gender? The sexuality spectrum, I'm quiet certain, would contain a potential partner's gender, sexuality (I, for example, am very attracted to queer people of any gender), masculinity vs femininity, even a possible fourth dimension of sex.  The gender spectrum could contain gender, masculinity vs. femininity (You could be a feminine man or a masculine woman), perhaps physical sex.  What other factors would lie on these two spectrums? Where else in life do we need a multi-dimensional perspective?

Overall, I'm tired of binaries, and one-dimensional spectrums aren't enough for me, either. Let's change the world.

01 November 2009

Ten Lessons from the Edge

Lesson 1: The power of intense eroticism lies within.

Lesson 2: The devil is the details. Aim for better, more finely tuned intricate, specific phenomenology.

Lesson 3: Don not engage in "sex" (whatever that means) until yoru level of arousal is through the roof. Otherwise, you invite and incur the risk of developing sexual dysfunctions, pain or desire disorders.

Lesson 4: Relationship factors requires continuing attention. The levels of trust, communication, and negotiation skills required for extraordinary, erotic intimacy far exceed those common in ordinary sexual relations.

Lesson 5: Sex has as many purposes as there are people having sex. "Sex" is about "nonsexual" purposes, also.

Lesson 6: Sex can accomplish more than tension release and orgasm. It can bring about feelings of aliveness, expansion, self-knowledge, joy, a sense of peace, harmony, ecstasy, wholeness and of "coming home."

Lesson 7: Sex can be profoundly transformative. It can be therapeutic, healing and/or transcending not only sexual wounds but various kinds of psychological injuries.

Lesson 8: Aim high. Learn from those who refuse to settle for merely incredibly pleasureful and thoroughly satisfying sex.

Lesson 9: Keep going deeper, higher, and further. The eroticism is in the continuing exploration, uncovering and discovery of possibilities nad potentials (especially key in long-term relationships).

Lesson 10: Being on the edge is scary but then so are the alternatives. Erotic adventures are genuinely risky but then the risks of erotic stagnation are no less dangerous.

From an article by Kleinplatz, Peggy J, PhD titled "Learning from Estraordinary Lovers: Lessons from the Edge". One of the most interesting, informative readings I ever laid eyes on. I suggest everyone reads it!

November, I Am Thankful

At 6:30 in the morning, the sun lays its rays on the flatirons, and they glow. Light skims the tops of stone buildings, and birds chirp, signaling that morning has arrived.

Things are quieter here, closer to the cold ground, still untouched by direct sunlight. The naked, crouching trees are asleep, and the grass, covered with their shriveled leaves and leftover mounds of frozen snow, is silent.

That's when I realize that this is where I live. Where I party and study. Where I love, I think, I dream. This is the place where, each morning, I take my first hopeful breath, and where each night I fall asleep with a prayer. I'm living a dream.

It occurs to me that the next holiday is Thanksgiving.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you God and thank you Mom. Thank you hard work and thank you fate. Thank you life for this chance to live - to really live - like everyone should. Thank you for food and beer; for friends and kisses. Thank you for crunchy leaves and foggy breath, for sunlight and rain. Thank you for the rainbow of colors, the scale of notes, the spectrum of scents. Thank you for wisdom and play, for knowledge, poetry, and art. Thank you for hope, for without it, we live in chains. Thank you for love, that gets us through the day. Thank you for dreams and fantasies, that remind us to never give up. Thank you for today.