29 January 2010


I'm beginning to, gradually, identify as asexual. Ace. Asexy. Panromantic Gray-A Sexual, to be exact.  I've been spending a lot of time on AVEN - the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network; they have message boards, an FAQ, a Wiki, and Asexual Perspectives, all of which I've found to be very helpful and supportive as I explore this new part of my identity.

Gray-A refers to anyone who falls between sexual and asexual on the spectrum.  The reason I choose to identify as Gray-A instead of asexual is because I don't exactly fit AVEN's definition of asexuality. AVEN defines an asexual as "someone who does not experience sexual attraction".  I do experience sexual attraction, but not sexual desire; I don't enjoy having sex, I don't feel comfortable having sex, and I don't miss it when I'm not sexually active. I can satisfy my sexual urges and desires by myself better than with others, meaning I am also autosexual.  Naturally, I am also fluid and still questioning. However, the way I experience and see sexuality and sex is vastly different than the way most sexual individuals see it, and thus I feel like the asexual identity is very important to me.

I've had a fairly easy time embracing this identity. It's been something I've questioned for a long time, and it feels great to finally understand such a big part of myself. The idea of possibly never having sex again may seem scary (it does even to me when I think about it), but, to an asexual like myself, it feels normal. I've come out to a few of my closest friends, and I'm beginning to feel asexual pride. I've questioned my (a)sexuality for years, though, because AVEN's definition didn't fit me, I never identified this way. I gradually began identifying as asexual starting a few months ago, though never truly embraced it or felt comfortable sharing it with others until once again researching asexuality and all its dimensions about a week ago.

That's not to say it's been all cake. I've recently hit a roadblock in my identity, and all my concerns are rushing onto me at once. (1) I'm terrified of the romantic implications of this identity. A relationship without sex can be difficult. I am willing to try sex and experiment, but sex for me will never be as easy as it should be. Also, it might be that, even when I am close and do love someone, I still won't be comfortable having sex. (2) I still need intimacy. I still want hook-ups.  There are many things besides sex(ual activities) that I enjoy, such as making out. There are also many kinks and fetishes I want to explore in a non-sexual manner. However, it may be difficult to find anyone interested in intimacy and kink without sex. (3) The reactions I've gotten upon coming out have been mixed. Although all my friends said they support me, they also expressed concern. Some said that they were worried for me. Most told me that I just hadn't had good sex, and encouraged me to continue trying. A very close friend of mine even said that, while you're born gay, you become asexual. (4) I am still interested in having sex, mostly because of curiosity, but also because I do want to give sexual relations with someone I care for and love another shot. Also, my identity is fluid, and sometimes, I may be interested in sex.  I feel torn between really wanting to come out and embrace the person that I am, and the possibility that this identity will close doors and discourage others from sexually and romantically pursuing me.

Anyone who reads my blog is a very close friend of mine and a very special person to me. Right now, I could use all the support and advise I could get, and I thank you all for being in my life as I come out of the closet, again.


  1. A-sexuality is something that we don't talk about very often, and this is possibly the reason why you have gotten so many mixed reactions to it. The first time topics of asexuality were presented to me, I also didn't fully understand the how, and why. I slowly realized that just like every other sexuality (or lack of sexuality) I do not have to understand it or experience it for that sexuality to be alive and vibrant in another individual.

    Also identity is how we wish to be treated and regarded. I think in your situation honesty is the best method. I don't want to seclude you to a small asexual community, but the some asexuals I know feel better in long term relationships that are with other asexuals. At the same time I have known asexuals who are in open-poly-relationships and this also works really well for them.

    I think that it can be a scary, but interesting transition. I just want you to know that it is your body and you should do with it as you will. No one can define you or tell you that you are doing it wrong.

    I would be interested in discussing this further with you. Give me a call when you have the chance.

    love. love. love.

  2. This took a lot of courage (sorry I'm way behind on my blog readings...)CONGRATS! It's out!
    You can always call me if you need someone dear.