05 January 2010


I have a history of adjustment depression, and I feared college would cause me to relapse. To tell you the truth, it didn't. Last time I suffered from a long-term episode of depression, not only had I just moved, but I was also going through a major heartbreak, and I still lived with my family. Living away from home has definitely made adjusting to college easier than any adjustments in the past, and my self image has been better this last semester than ever before in my life. I love my family, but I had long been ready to live on my own.

While overall my mood has been positive, I have had a few relapses, at nights, alone in my dorm. Sometime in November, I had my worst episode of self-harm since February 13, 2007. Still, that was the only one, and I tend to relapse into cutting about once or twice a year, so it's not so bad.

This break has not treated me well. Boredom is the worst, because it only leads to more boredom. My motivation has plummeted, and so has my mood. All my life, I've hated break, because, somehow, being away from school has always tortured me, and this break is no exception (though Thanksgiving break was). I would definitely consider this a relapse, but I'm optimistic enough to know that I'll get over it soon enough, I'm going back HOME on Friday, and tomorrow, I'm hoping I'll go skiing, which I know will help my mood.

I know writing would help, but I don't have the motivation to do so - I haven't written in weeks! Maybe I'll make myself write, maybe tomorrow. Instead, I re-read my old poetry just now. I wrote the best poems when I was at my worst, here's one that particularly struck a chord:

Butterkinves flashing screaming attention
plastic erasers paperclips bark
safety scissor’s new purpose mirrors childhood lost
after hallways and lockers and muffling cries
the closet door locks for the deadliest chore
red pen dances: art not on paper
but nothing a three dollar wristband can’t fix
behind the smiles and tears the make-up and blood
lies a heart that has never been bruised
selfishly wishing blood for his pleasure
designer panties plead tear me apart
the clock strikes a new day, she prays Good Night
-- 03.02.2007

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